| The Insensitive Things People Say about Your Trauma and You . . .
by Roxanne Baxter
There is a name for the wrong things people sometimes say to you after a trauma has impacted your life . . . it’s called Secondary Wounding. Perhaps it is helpful for you to know that this happens to a lot of people who’ve been traumatized, and we can discuss the how and why’s of this.
Most people don’t intend to be cruel; they just don’t know any better. If they have never experienced the type or level of event that you have, they are still living in a belief system that “the world is always a safe place if you only do the right things”. They don’t know or want to believe that bad things DO happen to good, prepared and smart people, and that sometimes there is little to nothing that can be done to prevent it. In their belief system, it’s too frightening for them to believe bad things do happen, so they reject the idea (unconsciously) and it sounds something like one of the following examples:
Disbelief or Denial - A young adult male finally confides to his parents that the mother’s brother molested him repeatedly until age 13. His mother responds, “How could you make up such a vicious lie about my brother? After all he’s done for you! Shame on you!”
Discounting - A man is talking to his insurance agent about losing the roof of his house in the recent hurricane. He mentions how angry and upset he’s been. The agent responds, “That’s nothing, my sister-in-law lost her whole house in Hurricane Andrew. People lost so much more with that one. What are you so upset about?”
Blaming the Victim - A young woman tells her father she had been raped on a date two weeks ago. He responds, “How long have I been telling you to dress more appropriately when you go out?”
Ignorance - A war veteran has been home now for three years after the war. After dinner with his sister, he mentions to her he still can’t bear to be around firecrackers on the Fourth of July because it triggers him. She responds, “I’m so tired of hearing all about your “problems” after the war. Why don’t you just get over it?”
Generalization - A receptionist told her employer that she had started therapy for being robbed at gun point. “Ok, let’s put you back in the mail room since the mail clerk is leaving anyway,” implying that she would not be capable of performing her job.
So, I hope it’s been helpful to put a name to it. For those in your circle of friends and family who say “why don’t you just get over it?” here’s the answer for them: “No one would choose to be in this much pain and suffering and to live daily with these feelings. Believe me, if it really was a choice I could make, I would choose to get over it.” Abraham Lincoln was wrong when he said, “People can be as happy as they make up their minds to be”. He was a great president, but not a great therapist.
EMDR does offer the hope of getting over it.
Roxanne Baxter, LMFT, CTS
Certified EMDR Therapist
California License #CA MFC 39524
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